Trying to find my way....

I try to write a blog at least once a week but I have to admit I am at a loss.  I have several ideas come to me, I sit down and there is nothing!!  Last weekend I decided to pull out my crafty side, begin decorating for spring, even attempting a few Pinterest projects, all in hopes it would get my creativity flowing.  Well the uncompleted projects still sit.

I guess I'm in a funk, emotional, and just plan exhausted.  

I met Gregg for lunch today and spent the majority of the time sitting on the iPad just aimlessly roaming for something.  When I didn't find it I tried making some small conversation trying to be engaged but when I sat back watching him feed Graham I just I preferred to be quiet.  

While I have plenty going on, and life is crazy I am feeling so disconnected.

After lunch Gregg text me saying "I love you".  Tears streamed down my face and I responded with " I hope this is all worth it!"  He of course thought I was referring to the fact that we haven't had solid consecutive nights sleep in eight months.  But my comment really had nothing to do with that.  

Many girls I go to class with ask me how I do it with two kids, a full class schedule, plus in the field work.  I guess I don't know.  As I drove home from class the other night and knowing that I hadn't seen my kids all day and wouldn't until mid day tomorrow, I realized that I don't know how I do it.  For the first time I can actually see the finish line but I truly don't know how I am going to cross it!  

So is it all worth it?  I certainly hope I can look back in five years and know that while there were times it certainly was tough, days even a fifth cup of coffee couldn't keep my eyes open, and I just want to skip class or not write another lesson plan, but I hope these years will all appear to have flown by and be able to look back with pride that as a family we trudged through.

I miss the days of working part time with a set schedule that when I was done I could go to the gym, plan a home-cooked Pinterest meal, or even volunteer in Reece's class.  While spiritual and emotional I wasn't happy at my job it offered me the time and flexibility to do things which made me happy.  I knew in my heart I needed something more but I had no idea that jumping in with two feet would make me feel like I was drowning some days.  

So I guess as I sit hear pondering what to post I have pulled myself together enough to realize that THIS is all very worth it and while I may crawl myself into the finish, I am certain I will stand up and run across hearing Gregg and the boys cheering!

Tomorrow I am off to Joanne's to finish my projects...I will be sure to share them!

We will be celebrating this weekend because WE ARE IRISH!!