Quitting

One of the greatest lessons my parents taught me growing up was to never quit.  Growing up I had many moments in my life where I wanted to quit.  Yet I always heard my parents in the back of my head reminding me "we don't quit!"  Life's realities certainly make this easier said than done!

As a parent now myself I naturally revert back to lessons I learned as a child.  This past week has especially put those lessons to the test.

I came home Saturday night to find Reece in tears telling me that "I just don't think Boy Scouts is for me Mommy"  It was then reiterated by Gregg.  The back story....

We signed Reece up for Boy Scouts back in September.  We knew it was going to be a big commitment especially on Gregg's behalf because he has both of the boys alone Monday nights when the den meetings take place.   It is up to Gregg to get both boys there and then they do not get home until after Reece's usual bed time of 8 pm.  Not to mention the "work" and responsibilities which go along with being a Boy Scout.  Gregg and I have had multiple conversations about the importance of raising the boys to well rounded boys, in Reece's case not just involved in sports related activities.  Boy Scouts is a great opportunity for him to be with his best buddies and gosh focusing on "becoming a better person".  It all sounds great and Gregg got it but wow another commitment?  So they jumped in and have managed to work it out, until Saturday.  Within minutes of walking in the door, I heard both Gregg and Reece tell me that they think "we should quit , it really is just too much!"  The statement was made in regards to the fact that Tuesday Reece's Pinewood Derby car was to be transformed  from a block of wood into a 5 ounce car.  We have had the box for more than a month and as of Saturday night it was simply that, a box with piece of wood and 4 tires.  How in the world were "we" going to get this made and ready for impoundment on Tuesday night?

It was a quick conversation actually, I told Reece "No way buddy, we are not quitting.  We committed to Boy Scouts for the year and we are going to see it through".  

Thank goodness for our amazing and handy neighbor who helped pull off this task in two days

Tuesday night impoundment - Gregg was out of town so I brought both boys up to school to what I planned as a quick weight check and impoundment of "Speedracer".  Yeah that didn't happen.  An hour in a half in and way past both boys bed time and still no dinner, I began to second guess my statement, I was ready to quit.  I was beside myself trying to figure out a way to get this car cleared.  I certainly had some choice texts for Gregg and "this commitment" the two of them made.  After several deep breaths, some very helpful other dads, and some self talk about being an example to these boys we are molding, "Speedracer" was impounded and ready for the race. While Reece didn't win the race, he did win for the best looking car voted on by the parents.  Just when we thought we were teaching him an important lesson, it is fair to say that Gregg and I gained the greatest lesson.

I really got it, clearly we are stretched very thin as a family right now, we are trying to offer both boys experiences which will be rewarding and help shape them into amazing little men but gosh sometimes too much is too much!  With that said, we need to follow through on the commitment that we made.

At the same time, I have been coming to the realization that in three weeks Gregg and I will be going out of town for 5 days.  I have known for a while that at that point I would need to give Graham formula for the first time.  Maybe it is just the reality creeping in but I honestly found myself face to face with feeling like a quitter, a failure.  I am a firm believer in nursing, yet my reality has been that it is very hard work.  While I am never one to be frightened of working hard, this commitment is needing some adjustments.  I am not, nor ever have been a good pumper ( meaning I don't pump as much as I need to supplement a single bottle).  It makes it very hard especially with my school schedule because I have to give Graham multiple bottles a day.  As a result, my back up supply is quickly dwindling.  Then Thursday, we had Graham's six month checkup.  While he has always been a skinny guy, this check up showed that he had dropped down below the tenth percentile for his weight.  The doctor said what I knew in my heart, my supply has diminished and is not substantial enough for him.  What?  I felt my body failing for what I was always told would be a supply meets the demand.  As I welled up with tears there in the office, and my heart sunk, I knew it was time.  I have felt so conflicted because as the doctor told me, I could pump after each nursing to try and increase my supply.  Yet at the same time I knew that all this is slightly irrational.  There are plenty of perfectly healthy children who have only ever had formula.   However, my internal struggle was more about following through.  

After a good cry in the gym parking lot, I realized that this is not at all about quitting, it is about making adjustments to help ensure I am able to continue to give Graham all he needs.

As Gregg reminds me often, it is abut the journey.  There are definitely times when quitting makes sense.  I hate to admit it but shoot sometimes I want to take the easier road.  However, as I promised my parents many many years ago, we are not a family of quitters.  We will finish what we start but we will also be flexible enough to know that adjustments and change build character!  This was definitely a character building week!

If you live long enough, you’ll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you’ll be a better person. It’s how you handle adversity, not how it affects you. The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit. – Bill Clinton